It's me Robert

Denise and I love to watch movies.  It doesn’t matter if they’re on TV, if we’ve rented a DVD or if we’ve gone to the movie theater.  We watch a lot of them.  Of course, I always have to comment on what I observe and predict what’s going to happen, and for some reason, Denise always gets upset with me about it.  I don’t know if you would or not, but here’s what I’ve noticed:

• Without question, if a police officer in an action movie is about to retire, inevitably he will either die or be horribly maimed for the rest of his life.  Usually he’ll die though and you’ll think about how sad it is that he didn’t get to enjoy his retirement after his hard life of beating up convicts.
• If you’re watching a teen movie, the star quarterback of the football team will definitely be a playboy.  Of course, he’s going to fall in love with the quiet, reserved, not so pretty, reserved girl who actually understands him for who he is rather than the hot cheerleader who wants to roll in the sack with him.  Seriously.
• Now, in a porn movie (yep, we watch those sometimes too when Denise is in a good mood and has had a few drinks), if a girl has just broken up with her mean, evil boyfriend and is all upset about it – when she goes to see her girlfriend to talk about, you’ll get a hot lesbian scene.  If you’re a girl, has that ever really happened to you??
• Now, Karate movies baffle me.  There are thirty guys against one.  Why do they fight the one guy one at a time instead of just attacking the solo guy all at once and just thump him into the ground in a bloody heap?
• In an action movie, the good guys are always amazing shots and kill everyone they aim at.  However, the bad guys can’t even hit their man even if he’s standing up in the open!  (Unless of course, he’s an almost-retired cop, then he’s dead meat).
• If you see a really good looking girl with an amazingly hot body in a spy movie, you know she’s a traitor.   She’s still hot though.
• I love the scary movies, but I wonder why these idiots run through the forest making a bunch of noise in the dark, as the killer is rushing after them, instead of just hiding quietly.  And everyone should know when the scary music starts to play, they’re about to be killed and take cover.  Do the characters hear the music?
• In every sports movie, the winning goal is going to be made in the last few seconds of the game and it will be played and replayed in painfully slow, slow motion as everyone is cheering (and then the quarterback goes up to the reserved girl, dumping the hot cheerleader, and tells her he loves her).  Puke.  I don’t like those movies.  Denise cries at them.  I laugh at her.  She gets mad.
• All baseball catchers in family movies are fat.  I once saw one kid, Frank, playing catcher in a movie and the kid’s thighs were like fat sausages squeezed into baseball pants and his fat butt was almost splitting his pants.  He looked bigger than I am – and you know I’m not skinny.  They all seem to be like that, with triple chins.
• If you’re in a war movie, and show someone a picture of your wife and kids, you’re going to die.  Don’t bring your pictures to war is my motto.

Sooo Good!

Movies for Every Taste

There are movies for every taste.  Some are good, some are bad.  Some I think are bad, you might think are good and vice versa.  I do find it really weird that the price to watch a movie that cost $10 million to produce is the same price as watching a movie like the Titantic that cost hundreds of millions to produce.  Seems like there should be some sort of correlation between cost and price, or at least quality and price, but there’s not.

Speaking about The Titanic, I didn’t go see it.  I already knew the end. In case you haven’t seen it yet, at the end of the movie, the Titantic hits an iceberg and everyone dies.  Well, everyone except the one girl who was saved by an idiotic hero who sacrificed himself for her.  Then she marries someone else, has kids and a happy life while he’s sunk at the bottom of the sea being eaten by fish.  Sound interesting?

Now, there are different types of movies too:

The Girlie Movie: It’s the modern version of the fairy tale.  There’s a Prince Charming who rescues the girl or comes to realize he loves her after some adversity.  They live happily ever after with kids, dogs, cats, fish.

The B-rated Action Movies: The man is living a happy life with his wife and kids, when all of a sudden a crazy man or a terrorist kidnaps, threatens or kills his wife and kids. This causes this quiet, mild man to become the Rambo of the world, take up his guns and arms and tries to find the bad guys.  There are two endings.  If the wife was just kidnapped, he’ll find her – but only after he is covered in blood, and of course, bare-chested (when did he have time to work out like that?).  If she’s been killed, then after killing the bad guys, he’ll meet another woman he’ll fall in love with.

The Polish, Swedish and French Movies : Don’t watch these boring movies with a rope and stool close by.  They’re always depressing, and unlike the American themes, good people die a lot and life is hopeless in them.  People say they’re “Culture.”  Not me.

She will get killed

Porn Movies: You can watch a big budget porn movie, produced in a big villa with a nice pool and hot girls or, you can watch low budget porn movies produced in a cheap motels where you can see the shadow of the cameraman. In either case, dialogue is an option.  I actually prefer the free stuff that’s online.

Scary Movies: Dialogues aren’t important here either.  There’s a psycho killing people in an old house.  Instead of staying together, the people spread all over the place to become an easy target for the killer.  In the earlier movies, the big punch would compe when the killer is ready to hit.  Now the directors are a bit more sophisticated.  The punch arrives a few seconds later, after you’ve already relaxed, to get the maximum reaction.

War Movies: These came in different waves.  First, it was the American soldier during WWII.  There was never much blood and the soldier came back as a hero to his family and kids, after winning the war.  After that, it was the Vietnam War, with the tragic bloody mess that occurred there and nobody won.  In the 1980’s, we started to have movies about the Jewish holocaust during the Second World War. In the 1990’s, movies about the Jewish Holocaust, and in the 2000’s movies about the Jewish holocaust… Maybe it is time now to talk about something else…

Science Fiction Movies: These movies are fun and easy to make.  You take an old cowboy or medival movie, you replace the horse, gun or sword with a spaceship and laser gun.  It’s the same story, just different props.

No, the Jedi Knight will die!!!

The Movie Theater
One of the greatest things about going to the movie theater instead of watching at home is the POPCORN.  I love popcorn and always get the largest one.  Not everything at the movies is good though.  There are definitely some annoying things.  I know you know most of them, but:

• A ringing telephone
• The same guy answering his phone and talking for 15 minutes.
• The guy in front of you who has already seen the movie and keeps telling his friend what’s about to happen.
• Two teenagers kissing loudly during the entire movie,
• Someone who always laughs at the wrong time (that might be me sometimes)
• An old woman, smelling strongly of perfume.
• A really tall man, or one man wearing an Afro, sitting right in front of you so you can’t see the movie.
• A sticky floor.

Denise just left to rent a movie for tonight.  I wonder what she will come back with?

Ohh God, she rented another Polish movie… It will be great time to nap on the couch…I put away the rope and stool.